Facing the Racism while Creating Wedded Bliss

(photo credit: Annodright)

I am a bride to be! The wonder, the whimsy, my own time to act out some romantic comedy but the Blackety Black version where everything is all Black!!!!!!!!!!! Not the color … my vendors, my attire, his attire, the food, the jewelry. I did not realize it would be this difficult to do and it really shouldn’t be. It's been a damn adventure. I started taking notes about my journey in 2018 when I first started planning. Nearing the end of this process, it’s time to share.

I was going to call this “The Way Racist Wedding Industry,” but I wanted a better title. In synopsis that is really what I found to be true and encountered. I was trying to be as supportive of many Black-owned, person of color owned, or women owned businesses as possible per my usual and with that came the expectation that I may be paying a little more. I would dare not ask a vendor to cut their prices. In knowing that up front, it also became quite clear that being pro-Black everything almost becomes cost prohibitive and presents a timing issue in some regards.

Let’s Talk Dresses

I’m in Chocolate City, Washington, D.C., for those of you who are not familiar with the term. However, Chocolate City has not been very chocolate for quite some time and despite the name, I only found 2 or 3 Black owned wedding dress shops. And I went to all of them, some more than once. I wanted the experience of any bride going to try on her gown and “saying yes to the dress.” Cherry Blossom Bridal in DC is a gorgeous establishment. I like that they provided a size inclusive and a really top-notch experience. In shopping with a Black owned salon I knew there would be the possibility that the designer would still be a white person, but at least the sale would go to the shop-owner. While I tried on dresses there, even though I found a dress that I could use, it wasn’t quite what I envisioned. Despite visiting multiple times, they did not carry the designer that peaked my interest and I ultimately went to another shop.

I visited a store in Maryland. The owner shared some very interesting insights into this whole bridal game as a Black shop owner. Despite not carrying the designer of my choice, I also had a very good experience here as well and it opened up a conversation about why that is. On the surface it would appear that the Black dress store didn’t carry the white dress maker because they were a white dress maker. But this was not the case. The store owner shared with me that it’s hard for Black shop owners to get access to those designers. They’re locked out. Many times, they may request other designers but are unable to order them. Some of the designers only allow purchase by invitation, and of course we’re not invited. Even with the selections that they can carry, there’s a trend now with the appearance of being nearly nude with the gown having this netting in the places where skin will show. Well, the netting is pink/tan and appears nude on white skin tones, on me, it just looks pink, ashy and horrible because it’s not made for me. I was left with the choice, the dress of my dreams or continue this search with time ticking. The dress won.

Spaces, Places and Food

A lot of brides have dreams of places where they’d love to have the actual ceremony and/or reception. For me that place was the Peabody Conservatory. If you’ve ever been to a wedding at a lackluster venue, you can understand why this is important. You want the ambience, the feel, the beauty of that location to be a part of your special day. In case you’re unaware, wedding venues are pricey. The same room could be used for any other event but the moment you say it’s a wedding, here come the extra fees and charges. There were only three caterers on their approved list. All of them were white. Wow. My first thought was that I want the caterer to cater the food that I want to eat, not just select from whatever they deem to be international cuisine. I want my wedding to represent who I am and who we are. I was in search of a caterer who would be able to prepare a combination of Nigerian and American cuisine. All three of these “allowed” vendors were accompanied by outstanding price tags which led me to really wonder, how do people really afford the “wedding of their dreams” especially on a budget? Because none of this was ideal.

Once again, I reached a crossroads having to decide whether to continue planning my wedding at the location of my dreams, (which was already expensive), and work with caterers that I don’t really want to use because they’re not going to be able to prepare what I want or do I go with someplace else? Money has always been used as a way to keep certain people out of certain spaces, and I began to feel that this was Peabody's way of keeping out the “riff raff.” It raised more questions. Why are these your only options for caterers? Why were these 3 chosen specifically? In your selections, you didn’t feel that at least one person of color should be represented among the catering options? For non-American cuisine, why is it that a specialized caterer could not be used? As these questions had no answers, you can probably figure out that I will not be getting married at the Peabody Library. Still on my mission to have all Black everything, or as close to it as possible, I could not imagine having two of the highest costs go to anyone other than a Black vendor.

In the Words of Marvin Gaye “What’s Going On?”

So, the dresses are not right. I got this place where the caterers were all white. And it hits me, “Y'all don't give two shits about black people being in this space at all.” It doesn't matter to you. I started thinking of all the other ways in which this industry is racist, so very much like the rest of the world around us. It's not a surprise when you think about things like bridal magazines where the bride on the cover is always white. Or when you're looking at brochures for honeymoons, who’s on the covers? A white couple. You can walk the aisles from one end to the other of bridal expos and you may find a little Black section somewhere, but the event is almost all white. We have limited options for everything. It’s very frustrating when all you want to do is support Black businesses, but you can’t for many reasons that have nothing to do with the price that you’re willing to pay but more to do with the availability of vendors and what you are willing to settle or wait for.

Finding that I was going to have to concede so many of the pieces to what I’d hoped to be my all Black everything wedding, I began to pick and choose which concessions I would make so that I could involve, include, and patronize as many Black vendors as possible. Yes, my gown is made by white designer, but my shoes are by Mina Abdullah. Par the norm of any wedding, wedding appropriate shoes are made for beauty but not comfort. With ordering expensive shoes that I could not try on came the worry of, will they fit properly? Am I able to return them? Will I have enough time to return them and find something else if I need to? Is the return policy so stringent that I’ll basically be stuck with them?

Thankfully, the shoes fit perfectly, giving me a checked boy for my “white” wedding. The shoes for my Nigerian ceremony did not fare as well. The original shoe that I selected did not fit. I was able to return them, but I could not exchange them because the shoe I wanted was out of stock. The company does not offer refunds so now I have a store credit and I was still in need of a pair of shoes. I did my due diligence in searching the shoe departments of Macy’s and Nordstrom for Black designers and then cross-referencing that with additional research for verification and I was able to find something that I like. I also performed similar searches with finding jewelry.

There’s No Such Thing as a Package Deal

It is not uncommon for wedding venues or those who provide wedding services to have lists of vendors that you can frequent and possibly receive package pricing or discounts for using a preferred provider. For example, if you work with a particular coordinator there is usually some savings involved in purchasing one of their packaged provider specials as opposed to using a la carte services. In seeking to use Black service providers, I did not find any of these package offerings. I am paying full fare for everything. In choosing things I made concessions such as purchasing bulk tea lights for the table center pieces so that I could spend more to use Lee’s Flowers and Cards in DC to do the floral arrangements and the arch that are in the ceremony. 

I have spent more than 100-man hours researching all things Black bridal. Although I know I’ll be pleased with the results of my choices, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t exhausted with the search. In all of my searching, I didn’t find anything that would be the equivalent of an all-Black version of “the knot” or “Zola.” 

Searching for Black wedding service and product providers is almost like jumping down a rabbit hole and it really should not be. I buy Black, shop Black, order Black all the time. From my everyday hair and skin products, my clothing, my everyday life is full of Black-owned products and services. I’m not new to this scene. With Black businesses gaining more support and notoriety from the media over the last few years, I never dreamed that it’d be this much work to plan a wedding using who I wanted to use. The racist system of this country has so many layers that it is delusional to think that anything is untouched by it.

It is up to us to find what we need and who we need because it’s obvious they don’t care anything about us in this wedding game. If you’re a Black bride or you know one who is looking for vendors, please share this blog with them. Also share your experiences and contacts in the comments.