Bad Marriage or Bad Living Situation?
Hey, friend—there’s a big difference between a bad marriage and a bad living situation. But let’s slow down for a second.
Hey, sunshine! I’m Dr. Donna Oriowo, sex and relationship therapist in the Washington, DC metro area. And Black men? Feel free, be fabulous, and F—for the algorithm.
Now, I want to talk about something I saw floating around recently. You know that viral moment where people were asked, “Would you do it again?” And the overwhelming response was, “No. Never.” What started as a conversation about whether or not folks would live with a partner again quickly turned into “I would never get married again.”
But here’s the thing—there’s a difference between a bad living situation and a bad marriage.
Let’s Break It Down
Some people get married for reasons that have nothing to do with compatibility. Maybe it was the ring, the big party, the pressure from society. Sometimes, we marry partners who matched who we were—but they didn’t grow and evolve with us. And now? We’re stuck in a dynamic that no longer fits. That’s a relationship problem, not just a cohabitation issue.
A bad living situation? That’s logistics. It’s figuring out what works and what doesn’t—separate rooms, separate houses, long-distance arrangements. People negotiate that all the time.
But if you just don’t like your partner? That’s something else entirely. That’s not a living arrangement issue—that’s a relationship issue. And that’s where therapy (or maybe even a divorce attorney) comes in.
The Habits We Bring With Us
Here’s another layer to this—sometimes what we call a “bad” living situation is just different expectations clashing.
For example, when my mama said, “Do the dishes,” she meant:
Wash the dishes (by hand, because that dishwasher? That was a drying rack).
Clean the sink.
Wipe down the countertops.
Put all the food away.
For some of y’all, “Do the dishes” might mean just that—wash the dishes, and that’s it. For others, it might include mopping the floor, taking out the trash, or deep-cleaning the fridge.
Same words. Different meanings.
That’s not a bad marriage—that’s a communication gap. And it can be worked through if we’re willing to have the hard conversations.
Silence Won’t Fix It
Too often, we avoid these conversations because we don’t want the discomfort or potential arguments. But here’s what we forget—our silence makes us complicit in a bad situation.
So, ask yourself:
Is this a relationship issue or a logistics issue?
Are you and your partner actually incompatible, or do you just need to renegotiate how you live together?
Are you avoiding a necessary conversation because it’s hard, or because you already know the answer?
I just want you to sit with that. Let it marinate. Now, let’s keep this conversation going. Drop your thoughts in the comments—but remember discourse, not disrespect.
