Why Do I Attract Emotionally Unavailable People?

Hey, sunshine! I’m Dr. Donna Oriowo, a sex and relationship therapist in the Washington, D.C. metro area, helping Black women feel free, fabulous, and f*cked.

And right now? Right now, I’m feeling content. But I can tell you this—my clients don’t always like me very much. Because every time we talk about emotionally unavailable relationships, I say the thing that nobody wants to hear:

You don’t actually want a relationship. That’s why you don’t have one.

I said what I said.

If You Keep Attracting Emotionally Unavailable People… It's You.

If you constantly find yourself in relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable—and then complain about how emotionally unavailable they are—Baby, it’s you.

You are not emotionally available.

So you seek and pursue people who are just as emotionally unavailable as you are, because those relationships feel safe.

Now, somebody is going to ask:

"Well, then why do I keep trying to make things work with this person?"

Let’s Talk About That.

1. Because you already know it won’t work.

   
   Let’s be real—you knew from the start that this wasn’t going anywhere. But that’s part of the appeal.

2. Because you want to win

   
   You’ve turned your relationship status into a game, and you feel like you win if you can make someone want you, desire you—while you don’t have to equally want or desire them back.

3. It makes you feel better.

Work That Out, Friend.

Stop playing games with me. You and I both know exactly why you’re single.

And we know why you keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners.

It’s time to ask yourself:

• Why do you pursue relationships when you’re not actually available for one?

• What does this say about your self-esteem?

Remember Discourse, not disrespect.